Fifty Shades Darker Review

I can count on one hand how many movies I walked out of: four. Walking out of a movie that you paid for is a big deal. It is like walking out of a date that you are fitting the bill for. You basically are wasting money before the climax (whether it's the movie or the date). The movies I walked out of are Pootie Tang, Life Aquatic, Norbert, and now Fifty Shades Darker.

I went into see the sequel even though I still remembered how the first one was dumber than me after a night out on Homo Hill. Fifty Shades of Grey was the first movie I went to see upon returning to the US. It was ok. The two leads were wooden and the story dumb but there was something there. Maybe it was a morbid curiosity about how straight/gay mainstream people view BDSM. (Gay sex is now vanilla even with oral and anal.) Still as dumb as it was, there was something in it that kept me in my seat. The thing is though I am a completist, so when the new one, Darker, came out I bought a ticket despite my hesitation. I walked out more than 30 minutes in.


I regret to tell you I then snuck in to watch Lego Batman because DAMN Darker was horrible and I needed a mental palate cleanse. I used to dabble in movie reviews that were not quite plot synopses so here goes one:
"One day you receive a gift from someone and the package is pretty and bright and expensive. The giftor in question is questionable. You only had sex once after a disastrous first date but the dick was sooooo good you kept his number in your phone along with the dick pic he sent you after wards. Sometimes to get off you think about that night and the kinky shit you did (deftly forgetting about the racially tone deaf way he talked to the Asian-American waiter). Sometimes you even text him and tell him how wet you are each time you think about his cock. So getting a surprise present from him isn't all that unexpected. In the nice pastel package with its black ribbon is a cock ring with real diamonds where the studs would be. At first you balk at this and then remember you haven't got nutted in or on in weeks. You agree to see him. The date is as bad as before. He told a story on how he screwed a competitor and was gleeful. Still the cock ring is in your bag and your mind is in the bedroom. Both of you........... Actually you came back to reality and walked out while he was in the bathroom and you were sexted by an ex who cosplays the Dark Knight but makes you laugh in bed."

Have you ever walked out of a movie?